


Richie Tozier Answers the Web's Most Searched Questions

by DeadpanMage



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Celebrities, Gen, I wrote this instead of studying for my finals lol, Interviews, Minor Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Rated T for Trashmouth, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, bc it's is MENTIONED (quite a bit bc Richie loves his fiance) but Eddie doesn't actually appear, god I love that that's a tag, me reading the summary: god WIRED video descriptions really are Like That Huh, this is... so dumb but I WROTE IT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21763480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadpanMage/pseuds/DeadpanMage
Summary: Richie Tozier takes the WIRED Autocomplete Interview and answers the internet's most searched questions about himself. What’s the story behind Richie Tozier’s iconic glasses? What is he afraid of? What does Richie think of YOU? Richie answers all these questions and more!RICHIE TOZIER; I SHOULD PROBABLY INTRODUCE MYSELF is available on Netflix now.-Richie does the Wired Autocomplete Interview that's it that's the fic
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 18
Kudos: 557





	Richie Tozier Answers the Web's Most Searched Questions

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Buzzfeed Presents: Thirst Tweets with Richie Tozier](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20985095) by [zach_stone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zach_stone/pseuds/zach_stone). 



> The first time I manage to finish a fic in months and it's whatever this is. Idk I just love the idea of Richie doing Celebrity Things because... he's such a mess.  
> I should note: these are all actual autocompleted results from typing “Richie Tozier” into google. This was a fun fic to research.  
> Also! Thank you to @swords_and_words for beta reading this fic! I swear you are the only thing keeping some of my WIPs alive :')

>   
>  Richie Tozier takes the WIRED Autocomplete Interview and answers the internet's most searched questions about himself. What’s the story behind Richie Tozier’s iconic glasses? What is he afraid of? What does Richie think of YOU? Richie answers all these questions and more!
> 
> RICHIE TOZIER; I SHOULD PROBABLY INTRODUCE MYSELF is available on Netflix now.  
> 

[Video desc.: Richie Tozier sitting in a directors chair in front of a plain white background. He is looking at someone to his left off camera.]

Richie: That’s how you really know you’ve made it, when people are googling wild shit about you. You’re not really a celebrity until people are looking up, like, your shoe size or whatever. My-- [he suddenly turns towards the camera.] Oh fuck, are we ready?

[Cut to a white screen with black text: “Autocomplete suggests the most common searches on the internet.” Cut back to Richie.]

Richie: I’m Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier, and I will be doing the Wired Autocomplete Interview. 

[Back to the text screen: “So WIRED asked Richie Tozier some of the internet’s burning questions.” Cut back to Richie, now holding a poster board with several Google autocomplete searches half covered.]

Richie: I’ve undergone something of a rebranding in the past year, so I wonder how many of these questions are going to be super irrelevant-slash-embarrassing. Probably all of them. Let’s get started! [He tears the covering off of the first question.] Alright, that’s not bad. “How to pronounce Richie Tozier?” Well, we’re only on question one and I’ve already said it like a hundred times so there you go. And that’s “Richie Tozier” spelled J-O-H-N M-U-L-A-N-E-Y, so if you’ve got any complaints be sure to send them that way. Next question!

[He tears the cover off another question.]  
“How tall is Richie Tozier?” _Too_ tall, my fiancé would argue, but that’s just because he hasn’t grown an inch since we were, like, sixteen. We grew up together, have I mentioned that? We’re fucking adorable.

[Cut to Richie tearing the cover off another question.]  
“How to be like Richie Tozier?” [Richie looks directly into the camera, a mock-serious expression on his face.] Don’t be. [He quickly turns his attention back to the board.] Next question!

[He tears the cover off another question.]  
“How does Richie--” [Richie bursts out laughing and quickly turns the board away from the camera.] Oh _hell_ yes, these are the kind of questions I was hoping for! It’s like I said, you know you’ve made it when this is the kind of shit people google. [Richie turns the board back to the camera like he’s revealing the million dollar answer in a quiz show, with a Voice to match.] “How does Richie Tozier die?” Jesus _Christ_ , you freaks actually search this shit? Well if any of you found out, please let me know, @benjaminhanscom on twitter. 

[Cut to a Wired employee just off camera handing Richie another board of questions.]  
Alright one down, however the fuck many to go. [He tears the cover off the top question.]  
“Does Richie Tozier smoke?” Weed? Absolutely. That’s nature’s Xanax right there. Cigarettes? I used to. I started when I was in, like, middle school, which was really fucking stupid of me, but I wanted to look like Judd Nelson in _The Breakfast Club_ so there you go. A lesson for all the ten year olds out there who totally watch my shit: don’t smoke cigarettes, it won’t make you cool. Weed, on the other hand, will make you super cool. Next question! 

[He tears the cover off another question.]  
“Does Richie Tozier have ADHD?” _Probably_ , man, prob-ab-ly. My parents never bothered to get me tested since I mostly got A’s growing up, betcha _that’s_ a shocker to some of you, and by the time I became a Real Adult I didn’t really see the point. Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met says I do though, so there’s that. 

[He tears the cover off another question.]  
“Does Richie Tozier--” Wait, _seriously_? This is one of the top Google results for my name? I don’t get people. “Does Richie Tozier have freckles?” This is one of the burning questions the internet needs the answer to? Alright then.  
[Richie stands up from his chair, walks so he’s directly in front of the camera, takes off his glasses, and then stands so his face is taking up most of the screen.]  
Alright internet, you decide: do I have freckles? Vote now in the comments!

[Cut to Richie back in his chair, glasses back on, reading another question.]  
“Does Richie Tozier have a sister?” Nope! I am an only child, a fact that is obvious to anyone who has met me in person. 

[He tears the cover off another question.]  
“Who does Richie Tozier marry?” [Richie, who has been smiling throughout the video, seems to particularly light up at this question.] Well, I’m _going to_ marry a rather swell fellow by the name of Edward Gabriel Kaspbrak, previously mentioned short-stack and high school sweetheart. We weren't _actually_ high school sweethearts, it was the early 90s and we lived in rural fucking Maine, which is way less progressive than the New England tourism board would like you to believe. If you’ve already watched my new Netflix special, Eddie is that one guy I don’t shut the fuck up about the entire time. He’s also probably going to hate that I said his full name on camera. Sorry, honey!

[Cut to Richie reading off of a new board.]  
“Richie Tozier glasses?” Yep, I sure do wear them! I remember when I first started doing stand-up a lot of people assumed that these were for the aesthetic or whatever, but nope! I’ve been blind since the womb, baby. 

[Cut to Richie tearing the cover off another question.]  
“Richie Tozier--” Dear _lord_ , okay: “Richie Tozier secret?” I don’t know what that means, and if I’m being honest I’m kind of intimidated by it. What do you _want_ , Google? I think I’d be more willing to share a secret if I didn’t feel like this question was being asked by, like, a demon or something. [In a high-pitched but surprisingly demonic sounding Voice.] _Hiya, Richie! Tell us your darkest secrets, why dontcha?_ [A moment passes.] Too much?

[Cut to Richie holding a new board of questions, the first already torn off.]  
“What is Richie Tozier middle name?” Richie Tozier middle name is Daniel! Richie Tozier share middle name with uncle. 

[He tears the cover off another question.]  
“What is Richie Tozier afraid of?” Alright, getting deep, I’m into it. I remember as a kid I had this recurring nightmare about going missing. Like, I’d be walking down the street and suddenly I’d see all this missing posters with my face on them everywhere. And I’d run to my house and it’d be all old and abandoned, and none of my friends would recognize me. So that was pretty terrifying. That was probably _way_ too deep of an answer for this, but we’ve been filming for like an hour and I think I’m starting to lose it. Next question!

[He tears the cover off another question.]  
“What does Richie Tozier think of you?” People… people actually search this shit? I don’t know, man! He thinks you’re a fucking punk, that’s what he thinks! Unless you’ve watched _I Should Probably Introduce Myself_ , now streaming on Netflix. Then he thinks you’re pretty cool. 

[He tears the cover off another question.]  
“Why is--” holy shit, “Why is Richie Tozier a loser?” Alright Google, damn, I’m sorry for calling you a punk! To answer your question, though, Richie Tozier is a loser because losers are the most awesome people in the fucking world! Every person you’ve ever thought was cool? At heart they are 100% a loser. Losers are the best. 

[Cut to the off-camera Wired employee handing Richie the final board of questions.]  
Alright, last set. “Is Richie Tozier Jewish?” I’m Jew- _ish_. My grandparents are, on my mom’s side, but I was never really raised religious. December was about food and presents, the actual holidays didn’t really matter. Whether we had a tree or a menorah just depended on which of my parents pulled out the decorations box first. Fun fact though! One of my best friends from growing up is Jewish and when he had his Bar Mitzvah our friend group was all really pissed at each other so I was the only one who actually came. In some classic teen-angst fashion, he went on this whole tirade and ended up cursing out the rabbi, who also happened to be his father. I like to think of that as my my first real introduction to the power of stand-up, so thanks Stanley!

[He tears the cover off another question.]  
“Is Richie Tozier Bill?” I have a friend named Bill, you guys probably know him as [in an overly posh Voice] _William Denbrough, New York Times bestselling author_. Geez, you lose touch with a guy for a few years and next time you see him he’s the fucking queen of England. If any of you are ever at one of his book signings, _please_ call him “Big Bill.” I need you all to do this for me. 

[Cut to Richie tearing the cover off another question.]  
“Is Richie Tozier--” [He stops reading, cut off by his own laughter.] Oh my _god_ , this is the best one yet! We’ve peaked, interview over! [He holds the board up in front of the camera.] Are you all seeing this shit? “Is Richie Tozier gay Reddit?” Not even am I gay, but am I gay _specifically_ on fucking Reddit? The answer is no. I am gay everywhere _except_ Reddit. On Reddit I am exclusively metrosexual.

[He tears the cover off another question.]  
“Is Richie--” okay fuck, I take it back this is another _very_ good question, so happy this is what the public wants to know about me: “Is Richie Tozier a virgin?” Well I’m engaged, so…yes, I am an absolute virgin. Never seen a penis in my life. Not even my own! No clue what that little fucker looks like.

[Cut to Richie tearing the cover off another question.]  
“Is Richie Tozier death?” Death to comedy, many would argue. 

[Cut to a new shot of Richie, sitting with his legs crossed and several of the slips of paper used to cover questions inexplicably stuck all over his shirt.]

Well this was way less boring than I thought it would be! Though I am very disappointed we only got one about me being a virgin, I expected more from you, google! Like I said, my new Netflix special, _I Should Probably Introduce Myself_ , is now streaming. If you were a fan of my old stuff, you’ll probably fucking hate it because I spent like half of the time trashing how much I used to suck. If you didn’t like my old stuff… you’ll probably still hate it, because I am deeply untalented. But maybe you’ll like it! I also talk about my fiancé and my dog a lot, so maybe that’s up your alley. Holy shit, how have I not brought up my dog yet? 

[End of video.]

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed this!! I've got a lot more IT fics in the works that will HOPEFULLY be coming your way soon. If you want to try and help speed up that process, you can find me on tumblr @kaspbrakatitagain my inbox is always open for messages yelling at me to actually sit down and write shit


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